there is room here to expand

[cross_and_bow]

When Juliet leaves the party, she goes to meet the new Jarvis.

She knocks, to be polite.

Comments

[eversomuchfun]

He hugs her back.

[cross_and_bow]

"Self-hatred is a pretty alien concept to me," she says. "Shell Bell says that hers drives her up the wall with it sometimes, especially since she folded in Shell."

[eversomuchfun]

"It seems to be a staple of Sherlocks."

[cross_and_bow]

"It should stop. Clumsiness is a staple of Bells, but it's annoying and has no benefits - so we get rid of it as soon as we can."

[eversomuchfun]

[cross_and_bow]

Hugs.

[eversomuchfun]

Hugs indeed.

"I am not sure that getting rid of it is possible," he says. "And I am relatedly not sure that trying to is wise."

[cross_and_bow]

"...On a strict understanding of the word 'possible'," says Bella, "that is obviously false. You went without a soul and without the consequent self-loathing once."

[eversomuchfun]

"Yes, and then I merged my better half back in on the condition that the result keep his soul. With some leeway for the fact that he is more or less exactly a past version of me, if I go back on that I have essentially killed him. It's not my first choice."

[cross_and_bow]

"...There's that," acknowledges Bella. "Of course, your 'better half' also accepted the condition that the self-loathing was not supposed to be part of the package. If you keep that, then - pronouns are complicated, I trust you'll know what I mean - then he's essentially - emotionally crippled you in a way that was not part of the deal."

[eversomuchfun]

"To the part of me that does the self-loathing, that seems perfectly reasonable."

[cross_and_bow]

Bella presses her face into his shoulder and sighs.

[eversomuchfun]

"And it's not as though your average Sherlock is unable to function this way."

[cross_and_bow]

"Yeah, but functioning isn't a very ambitious standard."

[eversomuchfun]

"We accomplish ambitious things."

[cross_and_bow]

"That's not the same thing as personally thriving," she says. She reaches for his hand and squeezes it.

[eversomuchfun]

"We personally - continue," he says. "We exist. We have pleasant moments, just not as many of them as we otherwise might."

[cross_and_bow]

"That's sad, though," Bella murmurs. "If there was a way to half-break a Bell in such a way that she could still accomplish things and would just spend her inner life feeling like you do would you want me to do it?"

[eversomuchfun]

"What in any earthly variety of fuck could possibly possess me to want such a thing?"

[cross_and_bow]

"Maybe if I'd made an ill-informed promise," suggests Bella, but it's clear that she did not expect an affirmative answer to her question.

[eversomuchfun]

"It isn't really the same."

[cross_and_bow]

"Why not?"

[eversomuchfun]

"Because your entire cognition is not structured around misery," he suggests.

[cross_and_bow]

"Yours wasn't. For a while. Or was it always and I'm just woefully imperceptive?"

[eversomuchfun]

"The misery when I had no soul was the lack of Tony and Jarvis," he says. "And then I found you, and you were delightful, and I managed to dig up a Jarvis, and he also helped, and of course he came with a Tony, and then - well."